英语幽默故事小短文
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英语幽默故事小短文（精选21篇）
在平日的`学习、工作和生活里，大家都跟故事打过交道吧，故事是人们以书面形式表情达意的言语活动。相信写故事是一个让许多人都头痛的问题，下面是小编为大家整理的英语幽默故事小短文，希望能够帮助到大家。
Friend for Dinner "Honey," said the husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
An Advertisement for Modern Bicycle Tom saw an advertisement in a newspaper for a beautiful modern bicycle which cost 50, so he went to the shop to have a look. After examining the bicycle carefully, Tom turned to the shopkeeper and said, "There isn't a lamp on this bicycle, but there was one on the bicycle in your advertisement." "Yes, sir," answered the shopkeeper, "but the lamp isn't included in the price of the bicycle. It's an extra." "Not included in the price of bicycle?" Tom said angrily, "But that's not honest. If the lamp's in the advertisement, it should have been included in the price you gave there." "Well, sir," answered the shopkeeper calmly, "there is also a girl on the bicycle in our advertisement, shall we supply one for you too?"
Ashamed Soldier Peter joined the army when he was eighteen, and for several months he was taught how to be a good soldier. He did quite well in everything except shooting. One day he and his friends were practicing their shooting, and all of them were doing quite well except Peter. After he had shot at the target nine times and had not hit it once, the officer who was trying to teach the young soldiers to shoot said, "You're quite hopeless, Peter! Don't waste your last bullet too! Go behind that wall and shoot yourself with it!" Peter felt ashamed. He went behind the wall, and a few seconds later the officer and the other young soldiers heard the sound of a shot. "Heavens!" the officer said. "Has that silly man really shot himself?" He ran behind the wall anxiously, but Peter was all right. "I'm sorry, sir," he said, "but I missed again."
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. a woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "pig!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "witch!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
if only men would listen.
Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"
Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.
Then George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.
Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"
Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.
George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped.
"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.
George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"
Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested
in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for
ten or 15 cents each.
I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was
a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill.
"Keep the change," he said.
A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really special. I can't let him get away. So they got married immediately.
The next day she noticed her new husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. "What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married."
"Oh, honey, " he replied, "I can't drink that much every day."
A party of visitors were being shown round a lunatic asylum. They came across one individual in the grounds, with wild eyes, dishevelled hair, feverishly endeavouring to catch flies and keep them in his pocket.
His was a sad case, said the attendant. Whilst he was at the war his wife abandoned his home and ran off with another man.
Terrible, said a visitor.
Presently they came to a padded cell, in which could be heard a raging as of a wild beast.
That's the other man, said the attendant.
His son's final exam results came out, and the former chief of the department who had been busy with the fake work heard the report from his son on the phone, saying that he had taken the "double hundred" this year. Once the section chief was overjoyed, thought, son this time finally gave me to contend for light, more have the face, so, all the way hummed the little song to go home.
According to your own reward plan, if you take the "double hundred", you will reward your son 200 yuan, otherwise you will have no money and even punish.
Back at home, the son happily took out his report card to the former section chief. Was section chief looked at his son's report card, and his face suddenly overcast, the shine to collect 200 yuan in his hand into his pocket and said to the son, "the reward for this semester is free, you next semester's, take an examination of the" double hundred ", a reward to your dad."
The son is somewhat unconvinced, timidly asks: "is you said to have the reward, I examined 'double hundred', why does the speech not calculate words?"
"Why didn't you reward me? You know better than I did. I didn't want to say anything to make you have a good summer vacation."
Later that night, Mrs. Zeng asked him, "this little guy looks a little unconvinced. Last year, he got a double hundred. You rewarded him. This year, he got a double hundred. Why didn't you reward him?"
Zeng explained, "I saw the problem at the first glance of his report card, and his' double hundred 'was altered by himself, not at all. The two subjects scored 10 points, and the "0" was obviously wrong and the handwriting was very different.
"That" double hundred "was also his change last year, why do you still reward him?" "The wife wondered.
"He altered the" double hundred "last year I haven't see it, is I didn't see that careful resolution, that little one or a double hard, can achieve real ones. The means of cheating must not be what he did, but there must be someone behind him. Or you can copy it at the copy shop. I don't want to encourage my child to give him a taste, try to get real, and get rewarded for real results. Ah! It had been expected that the child could not understand my good intentions!
"Is it good for you to do so? It's just encouraging kids to be fake, to have children, and to grow up to be criminals." "Said the wife.
"Such a clumsy method, see how I punish him tomorrow!" Zeng said angrily.
Early in the morning, the hippo came out for a walk as usual. The difference is that there is a foul smell in the air today. What is it? Where is it? The hippopotamus sniffed at it with its nose. The hippo looks around. Not only did he not know it, but his good friends were lions, hedgehogs, monkeys, and crocodiles who had just climbed up from the river. While looking, he asked, "where does it stink and where does it stink?"
"Look, what's that? The hedgehog sees a good big lump, the finger to that huge object ask everybody. Everyone came up to him. "wow, it's really smelly!" "Not only smelly, but also very big!" "And whose shit is this? I said it all in a word.
"Who can pull such a big shit? "Only such a large animal! "Are you talking about elephants? "I guess it's the sky! "Ha-ha, the sky won't grow! I haven't seen it! "But sometimes the sky will urinate, you are not wet! Ha ha ha ha." "Don't laugh at me, you too, ha-ha." "Ha ha ha." The prairie is remembered with happy laughter.
"Sorry, it's my shit. I'll sweep it off!" It was the poop of the elephant, no wonder it was so big! Good big ah! I haven't seen such a big shit. "The animals said to each other. "Why do you take such a big shit?" When they heard the crowd asking themselves, the elephant thought for a moment and said, "maybe I eat more." "Said the lion." we eat more, too. I have such a big shit to pull." "So do I." "Me too! The hippo heard all the people wanted, and said, "well, we'll all come here tomorrow morning to see who has the bigger shit!" Everyone agreed, and as soon as he got home, he ate it, and everyone wanted to take the big shit.
Finally the next day, you come to guess who is the champion. And, of course, the elephant! What a big mess! The hedgehog said sadly, "well, my shit is the smallest. I went home yesterday and tried to eat it. I couldn't sleep at night. It's the smallest." "What are you doing? Look back, isn't this mom and dad? Why are they all here? "Shit everywhere? Come on, clean up your shit!" So the friends began to pack their shit. This time, the hedgehog won the championship.
My teen-age son,Chad,and nine of his friends came home one night with newly pierced ears. When his grandmother heard about it,she asked him why he did it.”Peer
pressure," Chad told her.
"You should be a leader instead of a follower,”Grandma said.
"I was,"he replied. "It was my idea.”
As a clerk at a university post office,I was greeting patrons with a "Hello"or "Good morning".When a Spanish exchange student approached the counter,I happened to say,"How's it going?"
Laying his foreign mail in front of rne,he replied,"Airmail."
A motorist got caught in one of those new radar traps.He had been driving home one night when the automatic camera identified his car as exceeding the speed limit, Soon after,he received a ticket in the mail,plus a picture of this vehicle with the date and speed recorded on it.
Duly impressed, he sent back the ticket, along with a photo of a $100 bill to pay the fine.
For months I hinted that I needed a new wedding ring, since I had developed an allergy to gold. On my birthday, while I was gardening, my husband asked me for gift suggestions. I held my hands up and said, "Well, you‘ll notice that my hands are bare."
Later that evening I opened my present with enthusiasm. "Happy birthday," he said, as I unwrapped a new pair of gardening gloves.
A lady went to a hat shop to buy a hat. As she was very fussy, it took her a long time to pick on one.
Already at the end of his patience the salesman was afraid that she might change her mind again so he tried to flatter her: "An excellent choice, madam.You look at least ten years younger with this hat on!"
To his dismay, the lady took off her hat at once and said: "I don't want a hat that makes me look ten years older as soon as I take it off. Show me some more hats!"
My husband,Michael,a bus driver,was passing a deserted bus stop when one of his passengers called out that a woman wanted to get on. He pulled up to the curb and opened the doors.
After a minute,Michael saw an elderly woman with a cane crossing the street slowly. He waited patiently as she made her way to the bus and climbed the steps.While she was looking in her purse for her bus pass,he began to close the doors.”Wait a minute!”she snapped."My mother's coming.”
A boy of about ten was sitting on a city bus with a briefcase on his lap. Periodically the youngster would whisper into his coat. A woman passenger caught his eye with a quizzical look and,in response,the boy produced a small white mouse from his shirt pocket.”He's just a baby."explained the youngster. "His parents are in here. "Opening his briefcase,he brought forth a pair of slightly Larger. white mice from among a dozen or so that scurried around inside. By this time several other passengers had formed an audience, and the boy patiently explained his interest in mice,how to take care of them, their eating habits, their different personalities and so on.
As the bus pulled up to his stop,the boy slipped the mice back into his briefcase and rose to leave his rapt audience. Starting down the steps,he turned back for a moment."They are for my snake. "he said and disappeared out of the door.
When the burglar broke into a seemingly empty room one night, a voice suddenly shattered the silence ;"I see you,and the saint sees you. "
The shaken thief took another tentative step.“I see you,”the voice said again:“and the saint sees you.“With that,the burglar shined his flashlight in the direction that the voice was coming from. There,in the circle of light,sat a parrot.
"Dumb bird,!'the burglar uttered in relief.“
"I see you,”the parrot repeated,”and the saint sees you. "
"Shut up,“the man snarled as he turned on a lamp, that's when he saw the menacing Doberman Pinscher sitting beside the parrot's perch,staring at him with glittering eyes.“
" Sic' em,Saint,"squawked the parrot.
My teen-age son,Chad,and nine of his friends came home one night with newly pierced ears. When his grandmother heard about it,she asked him why he did it.”Peerpressure," Chad told her.
"You should be a leader instead of a follower,”Grandma said.
"I was,"he replied. "It was my idea.”
For her 82nd birthday,I surprised my grandmother with a birthday greeting signed by the President. (Upon request,this service is available to seniors over 80.)When I asked grandma how she felt receiving a card from the White House,she had a ready answer. "There's no privacy in this country any more,"she said. "They even keep track of your birthday. "
"Doctor," she said loudly,bouncinginto the room, "I want you to sayfranklywhat's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wantsreducingby nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could beimprovedif you used about one tenth as muchrougeandlipstick. And third, I'm anartist---the doctor lives downstairs."
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